Meaning of "First I'm Sorry" by Haley Heynderickx

The lyrics of "First I'm Sorry" delve into themes of regret, self-awareness, and the complexities of relationships. The speaker begins by expressing their remorse for not being able to live up to the expectations of a certain person. They had been there for this person from the beginning, possibly providing emotional support and stability. However, the speaker now recognizes that they are unable to be the foundation for the other person's life, and apologizes for it.

The line "You held me from the dirt" suggests that the person being addressed had lifted the speaker up from a low point, possibly a difficult or troubled time in their life. But now the speaker realizes that they cannot continue relying on them. The repeated phrase "You are not my shelf" emphasizes the speaker's understanding that the other person is not responsible for holding them up or supporting their old self. This could also imply a sense of personal growth and the need for independence.

Towards the end of the verse, the speaker confesses to their mother and father, acknowledging that they tend to drown in lies and have had to learn their lessons multiple times. This exposes a pattern of dishonesty and a struggle with facing the truth, which has likely impacted their relationships.

The chorus of the song reflects the speaker's conflicted emotions. On one hand, they recognize the pain they have caused the other person, evident through the lines "But you drowned in my waves / And I can tell that you are hurt." Despite this, they still want the other person to know that their love was genuine and that they did love them first.

The lyrics end with a repeated confession of uncertainty about the future. The speaker doesn't know where they will go or what lies ahead, illustrating a sense of confusion and a lack of direction. This ambiguity could mirror their struggle to find their true identity and purpose.

In summary, "First I'm Sorry" explores regret, self-awareness, and the complexities of relationships. It delves into the speaker's acknowledgment of their inability to meet the expectations of someone who had loved and supported them, as well as their struggle with honesty and uncertainty. The song captures the emotional weight of recognizing one's limitations and the impact they have on others.